THE MAID & THE POLICE CHIEF
By Michele Lourie
The Police Chief and the Maid from “Sing a Song of Sixpence” enter.
P/CHIEF: Come in please, Maid.
I shall read out the charge sheet.
he reads from a long piece of paper)
Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds, baked in a pie,
When the pie was opened the birds began to sing
Wasn’t that a dainty dish to set before the king?
The king was in his counting-house, counting out his money,
The queen was in the parlour, eating bread and honey,
The main was in the garden hanging out the clothes,
When down came a blackbird and snipped off her nose.
MAID: (holds a large handkerchief over her nose and carries a very large painting of a very large nose that she does not show the audience)
Oh, Mr Police Chief, you must find the blackbird that did this to me.
P/CHIEF: There, there, calm yourself, young lady. What blackbird are we talking about?
MAID: I don’t know what blackbird YOU are talking about, but I am talking about the one that lives on the top of the Queen’s palace where I work.
P/CHIEF: I see. What sort of work do you do at the palace?
MAID: I scrub floors; make beds; clean windows; mend clothes; take out the rubbish ….
P/CHIEF: (sighs) I understand. You are a ‘Jill-of-all-trades’.
MAID: (affronted) My name is Penelope, not Jill.
P/CHIEF: No, no, I meant … never mind. What did this blackbird do?
MAID: Well, I was hanging out the clothes I’d just washed – I do the washing as well – when down came the blackbird and snipped off my nose.
P/CHIEF: (jumps up in horror) Snipped off your nose?
MAID: Not all of it, just part of it.
P/CHIEF: Why that is terrible. I will find this blackbird and he will pay for this shocking deed. I will put him in jail.
MAID: Oh no, you mustn’t do that! You see, before the blackbird snipped off my nose, I was ready to pay thousands of dollars to a plastic surgeon to have it made smaller.
She turns the painting towards the audience and shows the huge nose, and whips off the handkerchief to proudly show the audience her ‘new’ nose.
Now I don’t have to. I want you to find that blackbird so I can thank him.
She exits, with the policeman following. He stops to face the audience.
P/CHIEF: Well, well, well. Another case NEARLY closed, I believe.
